looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Can't talk, ducks in the car
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
