wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
