I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
