blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Two words: blizzard sex
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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