she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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