Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
