im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
