remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
