i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
