New invention idea: vibrating tampons
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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