Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
So. Much. Porn.
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