today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
30 People Reveal The Moment They Realized: ‘Oh Sh*t, I’m An A**hole’
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
30 Tiny Celebrity Tattoos You’ll Want To Run Out And Copy ASAP
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John