just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?