im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
