now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
My bed smells like the plague
Randomize
