I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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