my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I believe in your delicious
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
