When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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