She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Randomize
