Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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