you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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