the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
