he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I didn't notice because vodka
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Dicks are not precious.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
