We won't sleep together?
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
