i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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