Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
