I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
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I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
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My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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