I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
