Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
