Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
