If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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