We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
