Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
