tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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