i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
