I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
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