Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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