I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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