Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
