I wish I could teleport
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
