I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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