highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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