Jerry, you need to find god
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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