i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize