Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
