he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
