if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Ketchup is God's man juice
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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