thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
