Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
