Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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