Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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