I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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