Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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