Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Randomize
