I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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