My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
