My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
